


Times the Akatsuki Messed Up

by injeong



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Akatsuki being dumb, Akatsuki not evil, Bunch of random stories, Naruto Shippuden - Freeform, Other, Random antics, naruto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 20:30:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12373464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/injeong/pseuds/injeong
Summary: Who said the Akatsuki were evil here? Not in this universe. What's wrong with a bunch of abnormal bounty hunters? Bounty hunters who do idiotic things and mess up big time on every other mission despite being hailed as one of the most powerful group of shinobi in the four nations?





	1. Introduction

They were bounty hunters. Plain and simple. No strings attached - follow their leader, go to whoever offers the best price - and the most people to kill, of course. 

 

It also depends on the individual a lot.

 

For example, Deidara dislikes the missions where they must sneak in and sneak out without a disturbance. It doesn't give him a chance to showcase “his magnificent, awe inspiring art”, even if he is allowed to use his small clay models to fly in unnoticed to take out various guards and snipers and such. 

 

Sasori prefers to go to places where he can “find inspiration for  _ his _ art” - which is insists strongly isn't the improper, short-lived, uncreative things that Deidara claims is art - and places where he can, if he's allowed to, find new people to turn into his puppets or whatever. The rest of Akatsuki tend to leave him to his own business, where his puppets are concerned. 

 

Hidan and Kakuzu don't really care. They’re immortal to some extent, and if anything, Hidan just wants to go somewhere where people don't know of his abilities, so that he can scare them before killing them. He's sadistic like that. And Kakuzu just wants money. The more money, the better. Oh, and the more hearts he gets, or whatever he talks about.

 

Konan and Pain tend to stay together, and rarely go out on the smaller missions. They leave the smaller missions to the two-man groups who do most of the work. But once in awhile, a difficult mission appears, or backup is needed, and they fight alongside the others. Mostly though, they just hang around the base or go to meetings to get more missions.

 

Kisame likes water. That's it. Though it doesn't really matter, since at every chance he gets, he floods the area and uses it to his advantage.

 

Itachi is a strange one, since they never really know what he's thinking, and they're all pretty much scared of him to think of asking. They just let him do his job. But there's been more than one occasion where they've been sent to the Hidden Leaf Village for a mission, and they manage to see some rare moments of Itachi being soft to his younger brother, Sasuke. Other than that, they're both aloof, cold, annoyingly emotionless Uchihas.

 

But most of their missions seem to come from the Hidden Leaf Village. The Hokage doesn't exactly  _ trust _ them (and it's pretty easy to see why) but admittedly, the Akatsuki are one of the strongest out there and that means they are useful. Plus, they've gone on plenty of joint missions with some other Konoha shinobi, and those missions are always a success - one way or the other. 

 

And the Akatsuki aren't evil. Sure, maybe one of them is 99% puppet and likes to kill people to make more puppets, and maybe one of them is a crazed bombing addict with mouths on his hands and chest, and maybe one of them enjoys stabbing himself, and maybe one of them is a money hungry four-lives guy who collects hearts, and maybe one of them is a guy who controls six bodies who all have the Rinnegan, and maybe one of them is possibly one of the most powerful remaining Uchiha, and maybe one of them is a half-shark with a chakra-eating sword, and maybe one of them is a girl who can turn to paper, and one of them is someone who isn't even human nor one person and is supposedly the land itself, but no, they're not evil.

 

Not evil at all. 

 

But that doesn't change the fact that they're pretty sure that most of the shinobi nations are too scared to offer them missions.

 

They do take missions from non-official people. They take missions of revenge, they take missions to capture hideouts, they take missions to save a hostage, they take missions to kill other mission-givers. Whoever has the highest price, they go to.

 

But this mission is from the Hokage, and it's supposed to be an A rank mission. The Hokage has sent two other teams along with them, to their somewhat annoyance. It's not that the Akatsuki hate having others help them with their missions, but … from their experience, the Leaf ninjas either terrified of them,  _ way _ too interested in them, they get in the way and be a nuisance, or all of the above.

 

It's not every day the Akatsuki are walking down the streets of Konoha in their black and red cloaks, so it's only natural the word spreads around pretty quickly. The villagers stare, but they don't do anything.

 

Sai happened to be walking towards them. The former Foundation member, just come back from another quick C ranked mission, catches sight of the Akatsuki - after all, they're not exactly easy to miss. Upon spotting Deidara, the two of them immediately start glaring at each other. It's not long before they're in an explosive - literally, in Deidara's case - argument about true art, and when Sasori absently makes a comment about Deidara's “clay toys”, the blonde flies off the hook and soon there's a pretty heated three way argument going.

 

“Here they go again …” Hidan rolls his eyes and nudges Kakuzu a little bit too hard. On purpose, most likely. The masked man scowls at him. “Just because you're supposedly immortal doesn't mean other people feel pain too.” 

 

“What? I thought  _ you _ were immortal as well?”

 

“I have like five lives, unless I keep stocking up on my hearts. That's not being immortal. And at least I'm not a weird, psycho, pain drug addicted crazy religion sucking person like you!”

 

“Here  _ they _ go again.” Konan sighs, quickening her pace. “We better get out of here quickly before their arguments destroy something. It won't be good to destroy a bit of the village that we take most our missions from.” 

 

As she speaks, the collar of her cloak starts flaking off into squares of paper, then they shoot across the street and knock the two groups of arguing ninja apart. “Pull yourself together, you're not kids anymore.” 

 

“But  _ he _ is!”

 

“Remind me again why we're the most feared organisation in the shinobi world,” Itachi mutters, as Konan’s paper spears start chasing Hidan around the crossroads, giving him paper cuts every two seconds. Sai has already vanished in that weird, silent way of his, but he's left a flock of ink birds that flap around Sasori and Deidara's heads, which brings a string of pretty  _ explosive _ threats from Deidara's mouth. And Kakuzu is back to his normal brooding self. 

 

Kisame shrugs. “Pain will give them shit for it later. I better be there to watch it.”

 

And with that, the most feared organisation in the shinobi world walk out of the gates of the Hidden Leaf Village (or in Hidan’s case, runs out still chased and repeatedly stabbed by Konan’s paper spears).

 

Naruto peers out at the cloaked group from behind Sakura. “Oh. Don't tell me they're the ones who you're doing that mission with?” 

 

“What?” The pink haired girl shrugs. “I'll be doing a mission with the most feared ninja in the shinobi world and you will be … what was it again? Going -”

 

“What? HEY! Just because I was away at training for two and a half years and didn't have time for stupid exams and time to relax -” 


	2. The time when Deidara blew his legs off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another time the blond bomber got everyone else out of trouble by messing up ... somehow

* * *

 

> Let's just say that the Akatsuki didn't know every type of special bloodline limits of secret jutsus that existed. 

Of course, this wouldn't be the only factor that had led up to all of them only losing more and more chakra (and in Deidara's case, losing more detonating clay) as all of their attacks simply reflected back at them. 

Even Sasori's puppets - or the snapped, scorched, broken remains of his puppets - had disappeared in a puff of white smoke as the red haired boy sealed them back into their respective scrolls to prevent total destruction of them.

"Hey! How about someone comes up with a plan before Samehada runs out of chakra too?" Kisame sighed grumpily, the whining sword in his hand vibrating in agreement. Hidan scowled back. "Well there isn't really much we can do - if we try to run, then he'll blow us all to Janshin, and if we keep fighting eventually all our chakra will be drained and we'll die either way!"

"Tch. I thought you said you were immortal?"

"Everyone dies when your chakra disappears, idiot!"

"You're the one who's an idiot!"

"Okay, let's calm down a second," calls Konan, barely visible through the mass of paper that fluttered in a cloud around her, seemingly confused on whether to attack the girl or whether to attack the unknown shinobi who was controlling their jutsu. "Maybe we could try taijutsu?"

"We can't get close enough for that," sighed Sasori, reeling his chakra strings back in after they had snapped. He glanced up. "Our only hope is to - wait a second, what the hell are you doing?" 

In response, Deidara simply grinned, and opened his hand. A small clay centipede crawled onto his wrist, and he dropped it onto the floor, where it expanded with a puff of smoke. 

"That won't work, you'll only get yourself blowed up ... again ... and plus, you already know that doesn't work," Kakuzu protested. "I'll have to stitch your arms back on and have to endure all your pathetic whining -" 

"Oh, will you just shut up, hm!" Raising his hands from the pouches of clay from his side - now looking worryingly empty - Deidara watched as after a few seconds, the mouth on his hand produced a little lump of clay, which he then molded quickly into another centipede. Itachi frowned. "That's not going to work -"

"I know that, Itachi-san, stop underestimating me, hm ..." he expanded the clay model with a puff of smoke, and it turned a circle and disappeared into the ground, leaving a pile of dirt by his feet and a small hole. Konan raised an eyebrow. "So what exactly are you planning ...?" 

In answer, both centipedes exploded out of the ground again several meters away in a shower of dirt and coiled up around the enemy target in front of them, wrapping up his legs and making him lose his balance for a split second before he regained it. Sasori watched in confusion as Deidara toppled over, another centipede around his own legs. 

"What are you going to do with that ...?" 

"Deidara, you idiot, if you blow that up you'll blow yourself up too and we'll be -"

"Tell me something that I don't know!" Pushing himself up into a sitting position, he pulled one of his arms free with difficulty and brought his hand in front of his face, forming a seal. 

Sasori's chakra strings vanished completely as he yelled, "Wait - at least tell us what you're going to -"

Deidara grinned. "I think you already know what I'm going to do - this should get rid of the seal, or at least give us enough time to get away."

"Hold on -"

 "Don't bother with me if I overestimate the power of my art, hm!"

"Dei-"

"KATSU!!" 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"... Oh, you're awake."

Sasori opened his eyes in confusion. "Huh? We're away?"

"The little shit blew himself up, remember?"

"... Oh yeah. Wait - WHAT?!" 

Hidan shrugged. "Man, your memory is worse than I expected." He jerked his head towards a thicket of trees. "Look for yourself."

Sasori pulled himself up, balancing himself on the tree trunk, and immediately noticed the acrid smell of smoke that still hung around the both of them, along with a lining of dust and debris that was still covering their tattered cloaks. "Oh, he did it, then."

That was when he heard a familiar voice carrying through the trees. 

"Right, that's the sixteenth time you've gotten yourself blown up. I appreciate the fact that you helped up get out there, but Kakuzu is on the brink of resigning from the Akatsuki just because all he ever does these days is stitch bits of you back on."

"Oh, give me a break, these masterpieces don't come easy, un!"

"I still don't get how you haven't completed blown your head off or something. It must be like poison - the more you take, the more resistant you get to it?"

"HEY! My art isn't poison, you stupid uncreative uninspired dull piece of -"

Sasori just rolls his eyes and maybe smiles a little. 

Until he remembers that the mission was to _kill_ the stupid jutsu-reflecting ninja, not to just get attacked, almost killed, blown up and to end up running away. 


End file.
